Autism times two

To whom it may concern,
This is how my dad used to always start all of his letters to our school when he was writing us an excuse for missing any days or time. I have always really wondered if "whom" appreciated the formality or if they just knew that the person that wrote the letter really had no idea who was going to be reading it and really if they even cared how the letter was addressed.

So, I write this post To whom it may concern. I have to say that I am deeply saddened. I spend the majority of my days watching my beautiful little two year old son drift away from the adorable, happy go lucky, go with the flow kind of smile, to a blank stare. I watch in horror as I recognize him regress in speech, motor skills and social, emotional ability. I watch with my husband as we try to cherish each day, fully understanding that good days will be rare and that from here on out we will only see glimpses of the sweet boy we used to know. The tantrums, the meltdowns, the anger will overcome him and occasionally we will be granted a hug. A warm smile, and a loving little child. I am mad as hell and scared at the same time.

We didn't sign up for this.
We intend to fight for him and give him the best advantages possible. We will continue our move forward with support groups, therapy and early intervention. We will work hard to save what we can. We will not let you take another little boy from us while we just sit here and watch it happen.

We already miss our son and we weep with the knowledge that you have already taken a piece of him. You have picked the wrong family! We were built with strength and perseverance. You don't stand a chance and I hope you know that this little boy means the world to us! I think it is only fair that you understand that you will lose this battle. We work hard for what we have and we do not take it lightly when something we cherish is being taken from us.

Signed, The Mother that intends to fight until we win


Today was the day we knew we needed to have, but also the day you wish you didn't have to have.
Today, Nooshie was diagnosed as a child on the Autism spectrum. They are leaning towards Aspergers, just like his big brother, but they would like to evaluate him some more.
The Early Childhood Special Education Autism Resource Team will be placing him in a FULL TIME early intervention education program at the local center. He will attend 5 days a week, 7 hours a day. He will be challenged here. The goal is to keep him fully engaged the entire day so we do not continue to lose him. He will attend every day even through the summer, then in the fall he will be placed in a district program since he will be three years old.
He will also have an occupational therapist that will work with him weekly at the center to help with his sensory disorder.

We were also told that he is on the Obsessive Compulsive Disorder scale and that they will address this too. He will begin seeing the same psychologist as Chan and it is at that point he will be given the official label and a determination of where he falls on the spectrum.

Devastation is the only word I can think of to describe our feelings about this and yet it does not seem strong enough to handle all of our emotions. We feel as though we have been defeated and that we have already lost the son we know, although we have not.
There are some feelings and a small desire to give up and why do I even bother, but we know that when we are done mourning and feeling sorry for ourselves that we will fight more than we have ever fought. I do not think this would be half as hard to take if we had not already been through this. The first time we didn't realize what was happening and what the end result would be. This time we do.

I love our son and I understand that we are all given trials that we can handle, but in my immediate dismay, I am angry and frustrated. I want to blame our Heavenly Father and ask him why? Why would we be given two wonderful sons with such a difficult task to live with? Why would we have another when we are already overwhelmed with one?
I know the day will come when we might possibly see the blessings, but today- we mourn. Today, I hold our son and cry. I feel as though we have been defeated. I crumble inside and try to maintain my confidence on the outside.

I want a do over.