Found!

It hit me today.

It is something that I have always assumed I was missing. The part of a mother that misses her children terribly when you send them off to school. I assumed that I was born without that feeling as I always felt relief, joy and utter relaxation when I would send Chan and Beans off to school. I would count down the days until Spring break was over and I could send them BACK. I would dread the days they stayed home "sick". I don't mind the days they are actually sick, because I do feel bad for them and I genuinely loved how polite, loving and kind they were. It was every other day, I dreaded. 3 o'clock came to soon and Christmas break was too long. What was wrong with me? What kind of a mother am I if I can't wait to get my kids out the door?

I must be broken.

Today was out of routine. Daddy had to leave for work before the roosters crow and so it was left up to me.
I forgot.
I didn't set an alarm, and the only other alarm I rely on is my cell phone ringing. It was still on vibrate from church yesterday, so uh- Beans finally brought it to me 20 minutes before we are supposed to be leaving to take them to school. I'd like to say things were hectic and chaotic. But they were not. I was calm. We even left the house 8 minutes early, and we didn't forget to brush our teeth. Even more amazing, I was dressed. This is a HUGE accomplishment for me, but it is still not the reason for this really long post.

I realized that as I was dropping them off at the front of the school, that I actually felt a tinge of "I don't want to" I wanted to keep them home today. Talk with them, have them read to me, cuddle on the couch, squeeze them a trillion times and maybe jump on the trampoline with them. I didn't want my kids to go to school. They are my kids and I am missing out on time with them by sending them away 5 days a week until three in the afternoon.
I have been robbed! Where was this maternal instinct years ago??
I am not sure if I am feeling this way because Nooshie is getting ready to start school this week and I REALLY feel that way with him, or if I have accomplished something spectacular?
I am crushed inside and seriously second guessing my decision to let Noosh go to school. He is only two. Only TWO! He will now be in school until he graduates high school. I really feel robbed about this one. Maybe I'm just being selfish. I have expressed my feelings to several people lately and everyone of them has the wisdom I needed to hear. It is better for him and I am doing the right thing. With the early intervention we may be able to avoid some of the issues we have had to face with Chan. I know, I know. I get it. I don't want to, but I do.
I just want to keep spending my days with my kids. Why did it take so long for me to feel this way? I love them so very much and now instead of worrying what I am going to do with them over summer break, I am already feeling like it isn't long enough.

I'm just venting. Getting it off my chest. It really pains me to take Noosh to school and seriously I just cry about it. I am going to miss my baby. I am trying to see the positive side of this. KD will get a great deal of my attention and we can plan special things during the day, just the two of us. I know I will not take this for granted. They are all growing up so fast. I need a pause button.

So turns out I DO have it. I'm not as different as any other mother, just in a different situation. It may have taken me longer to find it- but its FOUND!!