Changing

The last few months (6 or so) I have really been lacking on updating the blog. The one that Cory started as a way to keep in touch with our friends and family back in Washington. The one that I took over 2 months in and really claimed as mine, then slowly graduated to a site to keep family memories and events and then of course throw in my occasional rantings from a very exhausted mommy.

It is sad that I have neglected this.
I was not in the right place in my heart and with my time to be able to do this. I wasn't feeling as though life was glamorous and not wanting to share our "trials" with the rest of the world. We made the blog private and slowly just dwindled to almost oblivion.

We are going through some changes here in our house- work, school, and personal perceptions and emotions. We are beginning to feel better about our outlook for constant work that will eventually be a financial security for us. We are finally feeling like we have a grasp of understanding with the boys and their spectrum disorders. We are finally able to breath with an almost complete sigh of relief.
Life is still hectic- Cory gone every week for travel is tiring, appointments after appointments for the kids- for me. I have now decided I need to focus more on me. I am always putting the kids and their needs first, that I really let myself go, both emotionally and physically.
This last week I joined Spark People. I debated on saying anything in case I give up early and well nothing changes. But on the other hand if I write it down, I again become accountable.

I am doing it for me. I want to be a HOT mommy, who not only appears to have it under control- she looks as good as she feels.
My goal is to gain life lessons to help me keep the weight off and while I am doing it- I would like to lose 34lbs. I hope that I will soon begin to notice a difference, Week one - DONE!

so, I am committing myself to more blogging, more journaling for our family- Pictures and fun times. I think Winter here had me in a hole- too cold to leave the house to do anything, so it was all just so lame.

Spring is right around the corner and that means SUNSHINE and nicer weather.
Watch out 2010- I've got you covered!

Spencer holding his very own white board

Kady's beautiful artwork on display :)

Alyssa- praising herself for a good job!

Chandler- writing out his demands. :)

All four kids in our hotel room in Illinois- I took several pictures and to get one where they would all look and smile was ....well impossible.

Chandler supporting the Rampage at an indoor soccer game!

The whole game at the game (minus moi)

February 18th

Today is a day I typically just want to crawl back into bed and pull the covers way over my head. I just want to sink into my own little world of self pity and grieving. I cry at the thought of getting dressed and doing anything functional seems like the biggest chore.
This day happens twice a year. Once for my dad's birthday in January, the other- for today. The day he left this world and became our angel in Heaven. I never thought that four years after the fact that it would still feel so fresh, so emotional- but in fact, it feels like it just happened. It was a sudden loss. One that caught my entire family off guard. My dear sweet mother has been my champion for her strength. I look up to her for her perseverance and love. She is truly the best example of a mother and wife for me and for that I am grateful.
I get up today and move on because I have to. I am not afforded the ability to stay in bed, self loathe and close my eyes. I instead must endure today with my other duties of motherhood and marriage. I have to put the majority of my emotional state to the side and push forward.
I actually have a lot to do today. I have to scrub the house from top to bottom. Cory is taking me out on a REAL date for the first time in probably 3 or 4 years. We have a babysitter coming in to watch the kids and I am sure I can not let them see my house in this condition. So instead I will clean like a mad woman today and pretend on Friday that my house always looks this clean and organized. Pretending is one of my better qualities lately.

Recently, I have been suffering from some increasingly crippling anxiety attacks. I feel as though doom is waiting for me around every corner. I chose to keep this to myself for several weeks because I felt less of myself if I sought help for this increasingly scary problem. I eventually realized that it had paralyzed me and that without help I would most likely go completely crazy.
I am happy to report that just after the first visit with a therapist that I am doing much better. My anxiety has gone from 99% to probably 40 to 60%. I am functional and able to work through this without any medication. I did however just want medication at first hoping that it would magically go away completely with a little pill, but instead I was given coping skills.
Looking back- that was a much better approach for me.

Over the past five months I have had a lot going on. Cory has been traveling 3 to 4 days a week, leaving me as a single mom to four kids. It wasn't just the two boys on the Autism spectrum that had the meltdowns, instead they all had their fair share.
I had a traumatic dental experience that left me in a lot of pain for months that is now almost resolved after going to the dentist weekly for the past two months.
And if that alone was not enough- throw in the anxiety attacks and Christmas and I think you have your own emotional Trifle to swallow.
It's been trying and difficult and instead of finding a support group, I kept the majority to myself. I had friends who were aware and helped me through each day, but without my main support (Cory) every day, I was like a puzzle with a few missing pieces. Just incomplete and ready to fall apart.

So as today, the anniversary of my dad's death looms over head- I remember him and just desire for him to be here. The sun is shining outside but it feels like the sun is covered in clouds. I have so many things I want to talk with him about. He was always the one that had a strong head on his shoulders, the one that was the therapist to everyone in the family. Well with reasoning and logic, and perfect with scriptures to tie it all together. I yearn for this now and wish I would have taken more advantage of his great knowledge while he was still alive. I just need a big bear hug- his arms to wrap around me and hold me to tell me everything is going to be alright. I instead will desire for the bed, a few weepy moments and take with me the knowledge that he is still here with us and that we will see him again.