Inspired

I am going to confess something that I am honestly a little ashamed of. I don't discuss it because it embarrasses me. You can even stop reading this right now, I will understand, don't feel bad - I'm just venting. You can't say I didn't warn you.

I have to confess that I do not feel like an amazing mom or an intelligent person. I have been called both of these and they are most definitely a compliment, but to me I just don't see it or even feel as though I compare. I see myself as a homely housewife, struggling to find balance with her own appearance, her ability to be a really good mom and the house that is desired to be kept immaculate. I simply just am not and can not.
There, I said it out loud. No taking it back now.

I was married briefly to a high school boyfriend just one year after I graduated. I did not go to college because of this. I worked. The marriage was a learning experience for me and it ended just as quickly as it began. I grew a lot, but mainly spiritually, even though I didn't realize it then.

Fast forward to now. I feel as though not going on in my education has hindered who I am. I feel dumb when people speak intelligently with big words. I got street smarts and common sense and honestly thought that it would be enough for me. I now find myself desiring to go back to school.

I need to gain the self confidence to have an intelligent conversation with someone that does not include "knowing lines from Napoleon Dynamite" No offense to Napoleon or anyone who quotes lines, I just need to make better use of my time.

Recently, I was inspired by other mothers. I mean I am always inspired by other mothers, but for some reason, there are some really amazing mothers that live in this cold region of the states. Not only do they speak intelligently, but they have the housewife, crafty mama, organized and put together part down too.
It is a big desire for me to be that put together and still maintain a house that is organized, crafts for the littles and have an intelligent conversation. Sure we all have a little clutter with toys and books - but I don't let anyone go upstairs on purpose. I simply cannot maintain my house the way I used to when it was just the two of us, or even just us with two kids. I find myself feeling like I am drowning a little here. I have the desire, but never the time. So please don't touch the top of the bookshelve or look behind the tv. It's been a while since it was dusted.

I used to think that the weather was making me feel this way, but really - it may be that I sit in my house day after day and stare at the potential and think that if some motivation could just fall from the sky and land in my lap - I'll do it. So far no luck. There are days that I just want to pack it all up like we're moving just so I can start over, it seems so much easier. I also think that I just need to get out a little more. I get excited when my phone rings and its actually someone calling to talk to me and not a doctors office calling to remind me of an appointment.
I stare in the mirror every time I pass it and think of ways I can improve my look. It generally has a lot to do with the hair, cause it is the easiest fix - and then it gets me wishing I had the same body I had nine years ago. I don't even remember what it's like to be that skinny, and the cute clothes, don't even get me started on the clothes. I just might weep.

So without making anyone feel sorry for "that poor woman" I will stop my whining and just deal with it. I will continue to pretend that I know that the intelligent thing you just said totally made sense to me, and I will always apologize for my house and the toys that you just tripped over. This is my life right now and I will do my best to make it look easy to have this many kids, but deep down you'll know, I am really waiving a little white flag. There is no super mom here. Just an ordinary plain jane living the dream as a housewife. Who's inspired now? :)