Kady Turns Two!

It's official. Our little girl is no longer a baby.

It is hard to believe that it has been two years since she joined our family, but they have been great, fun filled, huge smiling, always laughing two years. She is our little ham. Always doing something that not only guarantees to get your attention, but reminds you to laugh and live for the moment.

Kady loves to wear dresses. Pants "hurt" her, and tights are a punishment- so dresses it is.
She just can't get enough of them, she wears them all day, every day, sometimes 12 different ones a day. She even wears Aly's dresses when she can. So for her two year old photos, I enjoyed taking pictures of her wearing one of Aly's dresses, messy hair and all. (she ended up ruining the dress with mud and grime while doing this- but it is perfect behavior for a two year old, so I let her :)

Kady- Thank you for choosing our family. Thank you for bringing joy & laughter with you and Thank you for teaching me to live in the moment and cherish every day. I love you baby girl!

I believe in Faith

Today is a new day. Today is the only day I live until tomorrow. Recently things have been so hit and miss and up and down that really, you just take care of yourself and hope that tomorrow comes quickly and that the results are somehow different.

We have been working against some trials that had us believing there would be no end. Feeling as though we are walking alone. Feeling as though we had given away all of our pride, and misery had taken us as company. We have had to use our complete Faith to get us through. The days we live are all we have. There are days we feel so low, that getting out of bed seems pointless. Then there are the days that are simply to much to do, so it goes by fast enough to not care. Then finally there are the days, you wish you could do all over again, because you realize that your kids are not so little any more and that you are wishing them all grown up with all that wishing.

I have learned a lot the past 10 months. The first, is to trust in the Lord, our Savior Jesus Christ. The second is that Faith is as strong as you let it. Some might call it fate, Some might say it's destiny- me, I know there have been some extraordinary hands helping us along our way. We have been fighting, fighting to be a better person, Fighting to make tomorrow a better day, fighting to just live and survive. We have faced a trial for about a year now and I am ready for it to be over, but not without acknowledging that this time, well this time is different. Trials for us (and there have been plenty) are something that I just work so very hard to overcome physically and in the world, then when we pull ourselves out- I sigh relief and pray to never go through it again. For the Burdens to never show their spot in our lives again. But this time, I realized I was doing it wrong. It is no doubt that when an individual goes through any type of trial, if you believe in God, he is the first we all turn to. But what about when life is good? How often do we pray just because we are thankful for the good life and the blessings? How often do you serve others around you when all of your needs are being met?
I'll be the first to admit- I'm guilty. So instead of sulking and drowning myself in self pity, I have gone out of my comfort zone. I do at least one thing a day to benefit someone else. Even if it's little like sharing a smile, helping with a child, or being in some kind of service FOR someone else.

There are so many things in this world that can distract us, they have us emotionally and physically tired from the commotion. I have made it my goal to end my personal persecution. I am not perfect, life isn't about keeping up with the Jones', it's about my happiness and the happiness I can share with others. I am in charge of my life and in control of the ultimate outcome.

My days are brighter, my perspective- is enriched. My friendships are stronger, my faith tried, my relationship with our Father in Heaven strengthened.

As we make our move to Wisconsin, I wanted to let everyone know that our Savior lives. He knows who we are and is aware of our strengths and weaknesses. We are all Children of God and many blessings are waiting for us. Faith is something we use everyday, sometimes little, sometimes REALLY big.
We are turning this corner in our life as a new start, a Great beginning. We leave Iowa with a better support for the boys and great friends for life. I know that without a doubt Iowa was always a place on our map of life. I am however looking forward to a new chapter, in a new place. But not without thanking all those who have supported us, loved us and helped us become who we are. We love you all and look forward to sharing our journey in Wisconsin with you here also.

Changing

The last few months (6 or so) I have really been lacking on updating the blog. The one that Cory started as a way to keep in touch with our friends and family back in Washington. The one that I took over 2 months in and really claimed as mine, then slowly graduated to a site to keep family memories and events and then of course throw in my occasional rantings from a very exhausted mommy.

It is sad that I have neglected this.
I was not in the right place in my heart and with my time to be able to do this. I wasn't feeling as though life was glamorous and not wanting to share our "trials" with the rest of the world. We made the blog private and slowly just dwindled to almost oblivion.

We are going through some changes here in our house- work, school, and personal perceptions and emotions. We are beginning to feel better about our outlook for constant work that will eventually be a financial security for us. We are finally feeling like we have a grasp of understanding with the boys and their spectrum disorders. We are finally able to breath with an almost complete sigh of relief.
Life is still hectic- Cory gone every week for travel is tiring, appointments after appointments for the kids- for me. I have now decided I need to focus more on me. I am always putting the kids and their needs first, that I really let myself go, both emotionally and physically.
This last week I joined Spark People. I debated on saying anything in case I give up early and well nothing changes. But on the other hand if I write it down, I again become accountable.

I am doing it for me. I want to be a HOT mommy, who not only appears to have it under control- she looks as good as she feels.
My goal is to gain life lessons to help me keep the weight off and while I am doing it- I would like to lose 34lbs. I hope that I will soon begin to notice a difference, Week one - DONE!

so, I am committing myself to more blogging, more journaling for our family- Pictures and fun times. I think Winter here had me in a hole- too cold to leave the house to do anything, so it was all just so lame.

Spring is right around the corner and that means SUNSHINE and nicer weather.
Watch out 2010- I've got you covered!

Spencer holding his very own white board

Kady's beautiful artwork on display :)

Alyssa- praising herself for a good job!

Chandler- writing out his demands. :)

All four kids in our hotel room in Illinois- I took several pictures and to get one where they would all look and smile was ....well impossible.

Chandler supporting the Rampage at an indoor soccer game!

The whole game at the game (minus moi)

February 18th

Today is a day I typically just want to crawl back into bed and pull the covers way over my head. I just want to sink into my own little world of self pity and grieving. I cry at the thought of getting dressed and doing anything functional seems like the biggest chore.
This day happens twice a year. Once for my dad's birthday in January, the other- for today. The day he left this world and became our angel in Heaven. I never thought that four years after the fact that it would still feel so fresh, so emotional- but in fact, it feels like it just happened. It was a sudden loss. One that caught my entire family off guard. My dear sweet mother has been my champion for her strength. I look up to her for her perseverance and love. She is truly the best example of a mother and wife for me and for that I am grateful.
I get up today and move on because I have to. I am not afforded the ability to stay in bed, self loathe and close my eyes. I instead must endure today with my other duties of motherhood and marriage. I have to put the majority of my emotional state to the side and push forward.
I actually have a lot to do today. I have to scrub the house from top to bottom. Cory is taking me out on a REAL date for the first time in probably 3 or 4 years. We have a babysitter coming in to watch the kids and I am sure I can not let them see my house in this condition. So instead I will clean like a mad woman today and pretend on Friday that my house always looks this clean and organized. Pretending is one of my better qualities lately.

Recently, I have been suffering from some increasingly crippling anxiety attacks. I feel as though doom is waiting for me around every corner. I chose to keep this to myself for several weeks because I felt less of myself if I sought help for this increasingly scary problem. I eventually realized that it had paralyzed me and that without help I would most likely go completely crazy.
I am happy to report that just after the first visit with a therapist that I am doing much better. My anxiety has gone from 99% to probably 40 to 60%. I am functional and able to work through this without any medication. I did however just want medication at first hoping that it would magically go away completely with a little pill, but instead I was given coping skills.
Looking back- that was a much better approach for me.

Over the past five months I have had a lot going on. Cory has been traveling 3 to 4 days a week, leaving me as a single mom to four kids. It wasn't just the two boys on the Autism spectrum that had the meltdowns, instead they all had their fair share.
I had a traumatic dental experience that left me in a lot of pain for months that is now almost resolved after going to the dentist weekly for the past two months.
And if that alone was not enough- throw in the anxiety attacks and Christmas and I think you have your own emotional Trifle to swallow.
It's been trying and difficult and instead of finding a support group, I kept the majority to myself. I had friends who were aware and helped me through each day, but without my main support (Cory) every day, I was like a puzzle with a few missing pieces. Just incomplete and ready to fall apart.

So as today, the anniversary of my dad's death looms over head- I remember him and just desire for him to be here. The sun is shining outside but it feels like the sun is covered in clouds. I have so many things I want to talk with him about. He was always the one that had a strong head on his shoulders, the one that was the therapist to everyone in the family. Well with reasoning and logic, and perfect with scriptures to tie it all together. I yearn for this now and wish I would have taken more advantage of his great knowledge while he was still alive. I just need a big bear hug- his arms to wrap around me and hold me to tell me everything is going to be alright. I instead will desire for the bed, a few weepy moments and take with me the knowledge that he is still here with us and that we will see him again.

wussup? Here's wussup

Last week Cory raised over $2000 for Autism Awareness at the game in Rockford. That is a total of about $4000 raised for Autism awareness this year alone and another opportunity to raise even more has now been made available. I am so proud of you Cory! It is such a great cause, and to see so many people affected isn't heartbreaking like it used to be. Now we celebrate and join together- to always have progress. not perfection.

Chandler has been making amazing strides in his general education class at school. His days have been all positive with very few incidents and usually just small ones that are ended before they have even started. Finally we feel as though progress is being made!
He has also really taken to drawing. I love his passion and dedication, I also think it is a good outlet for him. He seeks so much perfection that they are all really good. I'll post some soon.

Spencer's school does a new "curriculum every month- something based around social skills. They are starting "Beauty Shop" this week and a note was sent home making sure parents were okay with this interactive activity as they would be painting nails and applying make up. I guess since he is three- that it must be acceptable. They have also asked for a parent to volunteer for their child to have a haircut so the class could see. Spencer and his shaggy head were happy to be nominated and hopefully they will be doing it soon, because I am not sure how much longer I can stand to see it grow over his ears :) Noosh is now my official potty superstar. He still struggles with going at school and will hold it all day long, so any suggestions you may have- we would gladly take, but otherwise- diapers are for babies :).

Alyssa is really coming out of her shell. She is so artistic and imaginative that I just marvel at all that she does. I can totally see her being a teacher when she grows up, she has the patience and the desire. She is also our sarcastic and quick witted one- she has been pulling one liners out on us and she leaves us laughing for days. We are so blessed to have her around.

Then there's Kades. She has learned several more words and is compiling her sentences together very well. "Dad! Dad! Look It!" is probably her favorite. She is always doing tricks and wants everyone to see. Just tonight, she stuck her hand down the backside of her diaper, made sure you were watching then pulled it out and smelled it. It was hard not to laugh- which only made her do it even more. She loves the attention and will do anything to get it, even if it means being naughty. She has learned several bad habits from the older kids and while it is cute to see her trying to be big like them, I'm sad to see my baby get so big.

Cory is still pulling the load for our family. We appreciate and love him so much. His travels have had some not so expected reactions with the kids, like Aly not being able to get to sleep when he is gone. Spencer not eating dinner only when dad is gone, and Kades looking for him every second of every day "weaws dadda? I ont dadda" But when he's home, we are elated. I have to admit I think we are all closer because of it, even if it does suck.
We are not sure how much longer he will be doing this. We are looking for something where he can be home every night. Cross your fingers.

Nothing fantastical or new with me. I finally have a working computer that doesn't leave town when Cory does, so I hope to be blogging more. I also haven't taken any new pictures in a while, honestly it is just too dang cold to take pictures and the ones inside have been limited also because my house rarely looks like this:

However, it did exist once- so I took a picture to remember it by :)

Traveling Sucks!

So standing in the unemployed line with no benefits might suck more, but traveling just to gain a few dollars and pay ten times more to the bills, isn't as fun as you would think either. I know hard to believe that being poor and broke is the best thing in the world, but there are a few benefits. None I care to share- you have heard them all before.

While Cory travels most of the week every week, I stay home and lose my mind with all the kids. Their routines have my head spinning and still, losing weight or taking time for myself is non-existent. Why does it never work the way I want? I am preparing myself mentally for a phone call I am about to make. The one where I see if Chandler qualifies for Respite care. I have had his school, his pediatrician, and now his psychiatrist all tell me about it and that I should qualify and to take advantage of it. (see- a benefit of being poor :)
Anyway, I know that this just won't be helpful for me, but for Chan too. It's just admitting the need for help that is hard.

This weekend, we have decided to travel with Cory. Now that the soccer team is in season and playing games, a lot of them occur on the weekends. So not only does he leave us during the week, then he turns back around and is gone on the weekends too. Those are rough weeks and not just for me.
So this weekend, especially since it is a long weekend, we have joined him in his home away from home. The hotel keeps an open room for him so that he can come and go as he pleases. It is much cleaner than he keeps his space at home, maybe I need a maid?..... hmm.
Anyway, Cory took Chandler and Alyssa to a hockey game tonight, we are all going to Autism Awareness night at the soccer game tomorrow night and then we are taking the one hour drive to Milwaukee, Wisconsin to see the Soccer team play an opponent there. A busy, fun filled weekend and even better since it is time spent with dad.

So, I guess traveling doesn't always suck- just when we don't get to go too.

a task

it's been More than a month! A whole entire month!! Man- I am not getting better at this.

Today we were all sick, so we stayed home from church and well, vegged. We played a lot of games, made a lot of messes and surfed a lot on the internet.
We decided to not make it all a loss, so Cory and Aly created a lesson for the family so that we can say we had something spiritually uplifting today.
Two minutes into the lesson, I looked at Cory and said " We could be a skit on SNL" the kids were all over the place. Cory was reading a scripture, Kady was playing musical chairs jumping from seat to seat. Spencer was yelling at her, Aly was doing some skipping routine off to the side, and Chandler, well Chandler was trying hard to listen but the sounds of the other kids were bothering him so he was nodding his head with his hands covering his ears, not covering his ears, covering his ears.

It was hard to not start in with our favorite lines from some of our favorite skits. Man, we got so off track. It wasn't all for not. We only had two kids walk off mad and then come back. I think they did get something from it and not just the cookies.
Cory is usually out of town on Monday's so I have been holding FHE on my own with the kids. Cory's final comment tonight, was "well, that wasn't productive" Just so you know- they are almost always this way, sometimes better, sometimes worse. We probably get a gold star just for the effort though. That's what I keep telling myself anyway.

I went through almost 6,000 photos today. Every year we create photo calendars as a gift for all the grandparents. We are a little late getting this one going this year, but it appears they will still be on time. :) I can hardly believe that I have taken that many photos of just my kids in one year. There were some days of downloads that I had to sort through 400 - 700 photos. Crazy.
We had it narrowed down to just the final 150. Then down to 53. We're getting closer. Cory promises to work on them this week- thank you Vista Print :)

Here are some of the latest photos that I took this last week on our snow days.