Light at the end of a very long tunnel

For the past year I have been experiencing some excruciating pain in my mouth. Going to the dentist weekly, sometimes more than once a week with constant pain. I feel as though it would be okay to call it my second home. Every time being told, they could not find a reason, but maybe it was my sinuses, and to just take some Ibuprofen and see if that helps. Over time, I have adjusted to the pain, the constant radiating surges of dull pain and the occasional shooting zaps in my mouth have just become something I live with. I take 800 mg of Ibuprofen 3 to 4 times a day, just so I can get up each day and be a mom. Not the best mom either. Again, just enough to get me by.

It's been tough, and frustrating. No answers. No direction. Feeling as though I was probably going to have to live the rest of my life in constant pain. I would sit in public places and watch other people go about their life, smiling, laughing and enjoying a nice talk with someone, all the while I stare, envious of what they can do and wanting what they had. Knowing that I may never experience it again, and that they go on unaware that they have something so simple that others want. A pain free mouth.

Today, marks the beginning of the end. I was referred to a TMJ and Orafacial pain clinic from my new dentist. After a thorough 2 hour consultation, I began to feel as though I am in the right place. Answers are starting to come. Things are making sense. I never in a million years imagined TMJ to be so painful, but alas, that is not everything.
I have been living at least the last 6 to 8 months with a dislocated jaw. Now things are starting to make sense. No wonder I don't smile, no wonder I rarely laugh. It hurts and I have fallen into a world of glum because I hurt. The doctor also noticed my neck is goiter. Which is a common symptom of a thyroid that is not functioning properly. That along with other "non-functioning thyroid symptoms" that I have been having, will now be addressed. I have been prescribed a night guard for the clinching that I do at night, a Physical therapist to help me loosen the muscles in my face and neck and a peace of mind.
I was also diagnosed with Restless leg syndrome, which is apparently common and often times one of the reasons jaw clinching, anxiety, and mouth pain start. Not sleeping well, leads to issues with your jaw. I never would have guessed. Last night was my first night of discovery to see if I sleep better and if my jaw hurts less in the morning. So far, there is an improvement, I feel more rested and while my mouth hurts, I did not wake up clenching my teeth.

I go back next week for a CT scan, my first physical Therapy appointment and to be fitted for the night guard. But until then, I watch the clock to see when I am able to take more Ibuprofen for the pain. Yesterday was very trying during the exam and nothing seems to take the edge off. My mouth in a constant throb, I am hopeful that I will get to smile, pain free again.

For some time, I have been fairly hard on myself. I have had the up most desire to enjoy summer with the kids, to spend more quality time with them, but each morning I would wake and when the pain surged through me, my irritability kicks in, the headache in my head would start to pound, my neck would be stiff and my ability to tolerate even the slightest request put my day in the tanker. Slowly depression kicks in, because I don't feel up to par as a mom and when the kids were cranky, they would confirm it.

The other day, a friend of Chandler's made a funny sarcastic comment. I laughed in passing. The kids noticed. They all ran off into the kitchen whispering how they just "saw your mom smile". Spencer ran in to the room and asked to see me smile again. I did. He then proceeded to tell me in his innocent 3 year old knowledgeable way, how he enjoyed my smile and that it makes him happy.

My heart sank into my stomach. How did my life get to this point where something as simple as a smile, was a rare occasion?

My 3 year old summed it all up for me. I was a cranky momma and it was rubbing off, so much that even their friends noticed. I am devastated that I am perceived this way. I love my children so much, it hurts more than my mouth at times.
This has consumed me. It has taken away precious time of fun, laughter and smiles.
I feel robbed, by something that should have been diagnosed long ago, by other dentists.

This has taken a year from me. A year I can't get back. But today, I was given a day that begins with a light at the end of the tunnel. And now, I look forward to many more tomorrows. Tomorrows, that will start with a smile.

The way it is

It has been 5 years since we first heard the word Autism. It has been 4 1/2 years since the word was used to describe Chandler. It wasn't devastating at first because we weren't fully aware of what that would mean at the time.

Today, while we were coddling Kady in Nursery we had the privilege of watching a little boy who was visiting. His parents had made the ladies in Nursery aware that he would do his own thing and they brought him his own snack because he was on a special diet. I then spoke with his uncle who said they were in the process of getting a diagnosis. They are thinking it's Aspergers. It was nice to watch this little boy and see the same traits and comforts that our boys have. He isn't 3 years old yet, so he has a great opportunity to receive some awesome intervention and overcome many obstacles. I was enthralled and Cory cried. He reminded me that they have not yet had their "First" day, the day you realize your child lives in an entirely different world.
We watched as this little boy would dance around the room, touching every toy that made noise, going back to the same one in the ladies lap and making sure the music didn't stop. It was like clock work to him. No eye contact was made and little sounds squeaked out of his mouth. We were anxious to see what would happen when the toys were put away for singing time. And as we expected, he started to scream. He needed that comfort of noise and the constant tune to be okay. The nursery leaders tried to re-direct him, I tried to tell them what it was that he desired. One of them thought I was his mother. No, just someone who "gets it". They appeased him with another musical toy until they were able to distract him with singing time.

I have not had much of an opportunity to see this in other children. It was enlightening and strangely satisfying. We are not alone in our journey. Our boys are not alone.

We have suspected Cory of also being on the Spectrum, most likely Aspergers. We are of course not licensed to make this diagnosis, but from what we understand, it would make sense. He sees a lot of him as a child in the boys. And as an adult, we make sarcastic comments about his OCD and the way he HAS to have certain things done, but really when you break it all down- he is JUST like the boys but as an adult. He is just able to cope, he has found a way to cope and live each day in a world that often makes no sense at times. He is amazing at what he does every day, he is an amazing speaker in public, but he strongly dislikes groups of people, he cannot stand crowds, standing in lines and waiting. Everything has a place and a specific way to be done and when they are not, there will be a meltdown, just a watered down version from the boys.
We have talked about seeking further medical evaluations for him, but at this age, it is strange to think it would make a difference.

I live each day in an overwhelming world, one where I have to watch what I say and the way I say it. One where I have to remind myself that my facial expression meant something entirely different to them than I intended it too. One where order and routine RULE. One where a smile means I love you and is a desired expression for my 3 year old. One where I have to remind myself that no matter how overwhelmed I may be, they still need me to remind them that they are okay.

Life is not what I had expected it would be, but it challenges me to be a better person and that makes it worth it!

Tick Tock

Would it be so terrible if I said outloud that I was wishing for school to start. Sooner than later....

There are four kids here. F..O..U..R!!!!! I am outnumbered 12 hours a day by 3, I have no say (according to them) and the best part of my day, is when they are finally asleep.

We have good days, and we have some fun, but since Chandler is 8 (almost 9), he keeps telling me he is too old to do any of the stuff that the younger kids are doing, and the younger kids are too little to do any of the big stuff he would like to do. I just can't win. It's not for lack of trying, I am being told, it's just because I'm the mom and I just don't get it.

Okay Summer, time to shine down on me a little and throw me a bone.

Jelly Belly Family fun!

There is a Jelly Belly Warehouse just 40 minutes from our house. While it is not as cool as the Factory in California, it was a lot of fun. They take you on a little tour in a Jelly Belly train around the warehouse and show you through videos how Jelly Belly came to be and how they are made. Chan and Aly really enjoyed it, while Kady and Spencer enjoyed the train ride and all the goodies in the store, it was just great fun to get out and do something fun.

We're going to be buying our zoo pass and childrens museum pass this week and honestly I think I am more excited than the kids are. We are finally starting to get all settled in and it's time to make summer fun! It also means more reasons to take more pictures, although I am pretty sure I don't need a reason to take a picture, it's fun to have such a great excuse!!

our home in Wisconsin

"the Boys" playing soccer in the backyard.


"the Girls" enjoying some QT on the front lawn


Kady walkin along the front walk looking East on our street. (wearing Aly's BIG girl sandals:)


The front of our house


Spencer walking along the bike path at the park. Our neighborhood comes right up against the park :)


If you look behind Cute little Spencer and beyond the baseball diamond you can see the stairwell that takes you back to our house. So Awesome to be so close.


And, how could I forget this great picture of Chandler sporting his Wave gear!!


I've been meaning to show everyone our new house. It is so very green here, We absolutely love it, although after the recent Tornado activity, we would love it if the city we lived in actually had warning sirens. So instead we will just rely on our weather radios during these horrific Thunder storms. Not a lot of sleep this last week because of the weather, but I am sure that in time we will get used to it.

Feeling really blessed with all we have and grateful for our family and friends

Today, I Miss.....

My friends and Therapist the most!!!

I have no problem sharing that today has been one of those days. I wake up to Thursday to find out it is actually Friday. Not such a bad thing, but I have been living my whole week one day behind and I am racking my brain trying to figure out where I lost a day. I wonder what day I missed? I am hoping I was sleeping that day because I really needed it.......

Our first week in Wisconsin

Whew! We made it and in one piece. Sort of. Moving day was not without incident, but with the help of some pretty amazing people, we made it through. I would be lying if I didn't tell you there was a lot of praying, holding my breath and faith. There was an accident with the auto transport (thank goodness for the optional insurance), the 26 foot moving truck got stuck in the back yard, we tried to tow it out with a mini van- but yep, a totally loaded down half semi wasn't going to budge. Luckily our neighbor noticed our efforts and offered to pull us out with his suburban.

The week has gone by fairly quickly. I was able to get the three older children registered for school this next fall, apply for medical insurance, change our address with some important places, get lost twice, find the mall and find a grocery store I can drive to without getting lost :)

This last weekend, we journeyed into downtown Milwaukee. we had to avoid the waterfront because the air show was happening down there and the traffic was crazy. But it was nice to see buildings taller than 4 stories and drive for twenty minutes and not be in corn country. Me and Milwaukee are going to get a long just fine.

As far as friends for the kids- well, they are not lacking. Our neighborhood is chalked full of them and it is amazing how putting up ones trampoline becomes a magnet for the neighborhood. Our doorbell is promptly rang at 8am every morning and we are telling them they have to leave at bedtime. Friends for me on the other hand, not going to be as fluid. This may take some time, but at least the kids aren't telling me they are bored every day and you just can't put a price on that!

Grandma is rumored to make an appearance here soon and we couldn't be more excited. Actually I am pretty sure I am more excited than the kids- but we are hoping to have some fun while she visits. It will be nice to have an adult to talk with.

So, here we are. Settling in, and trying to find a routine. Getting used to the different weather in June, and the house is great. There is a play room- need I say more?