I am at a point in my life that I am realizing that no matter how hard I try to take care of my body, genetics starts to kick in and I no longer have a choice. I try- but I am in the losing end right now.
I have been dealing with an Anxiety disorder for the past year. It started with a racing heart that would take my breath away. That was my only symptom. I went to the Doctor and they were puzzled. Not yet giving it a name, They thought possibly a heart condition. went through some tests, blood work, an ultra sound and an EKG- all of which came back normal. Nothing else was done. My heart was "healthy", so I must be fine. A few more months would go by before I had my first panic attack. The freaking out, feeling numb, almost like I was out of my own body, racing heart, short of breath. I felt as though I was in shock.
A few more months would go by before I would seek medical attention again. This time- a Therapist. My anxiety was keeping me awake, I was afraid to close my eyes at night. and when I did, I would wake often throughout the early morning hours waiting my impending doom. I lived off of 3 to 4 hours of sleep each night for a period of about 3 months. This made me worse. Now I was exhausted, physically and mentally and depression was taking a hold of me. I had hit rock bottom.
I was diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder with Panic Attacks and mild depression.
Mild? if this was mild, I now understand how sad people must get. This was awful!
I would see my therapist once a week for 2 months. I LOVED her! she taught me how to cope with my racing thoughts and impending doom. I began exercising, eating better and eventually would be running 3 miles a day, 5 days a week. I felt amazing. No drugs to manage any symptoms (although, there were times I wished I had that easy fix). Things were looking up, and then came the move. I thought I could handle the move with ease. I was doing awesome, our family would be together again, there is no way I would become symptomatic again, I had resolved it. I was fine now.
I was wrong. Again. Now in a new state, even farther from family and the friends we had made in Iowa. I was alone. Depression came first, but in a cycle. I would be up for two weeks and then down for two weeks. I had noticed that a couple of weeks before we moved I began to sweat profusely, all the time, no matter what I did. I blamed it on the weather change into summer. Then my racing heart continued. Still not linking this to anxiety, I looked up my symptoms online. Thyroid.
Meanwhile I have been going to a new dentist here. Another year long adventure, still not resolved. Constant mouth pain, no resolution. I was referred to a TMJ and Orafacial pain clinic from my dentist. Finally, I thought I would see relief.
My first visit was amazing, he confirmed TMJ and that my jaw pops in and out (dislocation) He also diagnosed me with restless leg syndrome and believed that my symptoms of everything else, was thyroid. NOW we were talking. Finally - the big picture. I'm going to get better.
I was scheduled to come back for x-rays, physical therapy and more. Then comes the phone call.
"We are sorry, but your insurance does not cover our services. How would you like to pay for the $3,000?" um, yeah right. Can I make payment arrangements?
"Sure, that will be $600 a month". Okay, seriously people- If I had that, then the $3000 wouldn't be an issue. So now, I am back to where I started. Nowhere.
Still seeking help, I decided to start at square one. A general Doctor. One that could identify any underlying causes like Thyroidism. I made a list and took it with me.
I was not impressed with the office. Walking in, I was told to wait. Then when they did decide to help me, they were rushed and then pushed me onto someone else. There was clearly some unorganization here. I debated on walking out. But I didn't, because I was desperate. The nurse who took my vitals was even rushed and barely remembered to ask me for my reason to see the doc. I was feeling like this was a waste of my time. Then entered the Doctor. Casual day, I guess. Jeans and a polo. First impression means a lot to me- but then again, you can't read a book by its cover. He spent the next 45 minutes with me while I read off my list of complaints. He stopped, and then said
"do you realize that there is something with every system in your body?" um, yep- I'm a mess. He decided to start with blood work first. Lets rule out diabetes, thyroidism, etc. this will help us to know where to begin. Meanwhile, he put me on a medication to control my anxiety and mild depression. I have gained 20 pounds in the last 3 months and I am watching what I eat and doing yoga and Pilates. I felt as though for every right thing I did, I had one BIG thing fighting against me. My body!
The next day, I was having what I believe to be an allergic reaction to the anxiety medication. Tightness in my chest, shortness of breath, light headedness, difficulty concentrating. I told the oldest kids to watch me. If I fainted, or became to disoriented, they needed to call an ambulance. This changed the atmosphere in our house. It went from fighting, and being loud to somber and watching me. I called my doctors office and was told he would call me back. Hours went by. I began to feel better. and a little pissed off. Nice to know they couldn't care less.
Meanwhile, Alyssa decided to get hurt at a friends house. She fell down in their play room cutting her leg open. A little trip to the Emergency Room and 4 stitches later- we survived.
My doctor did end up calling, but with my blood results. Boy was I gonna let him have it about the mornings events. Then I forgot all about it, when he said I was perfectly healthy. I couldn't muster the words to respond. What? Healthy? Then explain my symptoms? I do NOT feel healthy- so there must be something! yep. There is. These can all also, be symptoms of my anxiety disorder. Holy cow! I really need help for this monster now. He did then address my concern over the medication. For starters it doesn't typically start to work for 2 to 4 weeks, so I won't see any improvements overnight. Second, he would like for me to keep taking it, despite my inability to breathe and tightness in my chest symptoms. This bothers me, but I'm desperate.
So, I am now left with a giant rock on one side and a barbed wire fence on the other. I can either climb the rock and endure the fight, or I can get caught up and possibly never get over the top on the other. I am changing the time of day of the medicine, to just before bed. So I can handle any discomfort while Cory is home to help and then hopefully I can sleep it off, while my body adjusts.
The second thing I am going to do- is see a chiropractor. My friends in Iowa will be pleased. I have found one here, that is a Palmer graduate. I am going to have them address everything- my TMJ, my popping knees, my popping hips, my RLS and even my anxiety. I feel as though I am left with no other options and beginning to think I should have listened to them from the beginning and gone earlier. I do have a skeptic on my side though. Cory thinks it's hokey, but he just wants me to feel better, so we'll see. So, until I begin to see any results I am just putting my faith in Christ and the power of the priesthood. I will get better, I just don't know when that will be. I will not let Anxiety get the best of me.
