A life changer, like no other

It is with sweet and sincere Love that I recall the moments from 9 years ago today.

I became a Mother for the first time. I held a sweet little boy, all wrinkled and puffy, but beautiful.
A Little person that would swallow all of my selfishness, all of my pride, and stole my heart.

To say that the past 9 years have been full of challenges, is honestly a little bit of an understatement. But I wouldn't change a thing. This little boy has taught me more than I could have ever imagined.
When I desired to be a mother, I would imagine a sweet, soft spoken little boy with the ability to capture your smile, by showing you his. I imagined a child that would be well behaved and well mannered, all reflections of how he was raised.
I instead was shaken, with a child that would only confuse us. A child that literally cried for the first 9 months of his life. A child that would teach me more about being a mother without even saying a word. There is no manual, No text book about all that you are capable of. But We write that book every day. With your first social accomplishments, your first sarcastic comments, your first success, your first understanding of what a "gray" area in your black and white world is.

Chandler Maguire Howerton. A child with labels to some, with talents for others, but perfect to us. Your growth in this world is beyond words. To know of your struggles and to see your progress is the most precious and rewarding gift to a parent.
Our beautiful son, you may not be perfect, but to us, you are. All of your little quirks, all that you have learned. you teach us how to be better every day. You are an amazing child. Your love may not always be unconditional, but ours in return always will be.

9 years ago today, We were blessed with an angel. One that would change our lives forever. One that would not change our desire for more beautiful children. One that would make us better people, better parents, better companions.

Chandler, through all of your personal challenges, all of your struggles in this world, One thing I desire most for you to know, is how much you are loved. You have brought so much happiness and joy to our lives. Our Father in Heaven surely knew that you would be well taken care of here. With parents that love you, would walk to the end of the Earth for you, would sacrifice everything for you. While we know you are only able to desire perfection, for us, we gleam with pure joy when you make progress. It isn't always easy to live in our world, one that is confusing, and full of "gray" areas. But as your parents, we will always be here to hold your hand, love you, walk you through your black and white world, all the while showing you how "gray" can be okay.

Happy Birthday Chandler. Your life will always be one of satisfaction and success for us, one that overcomes so many challenges each day. One of pure and unconditional love. The best gift, our Father in Heaven would ever send. A beautiful child, with potentials beyond our imaginations, with love bigger than your heart and with a spirit stronger than most grown men.

May you continue to grow into an outstanding young man. One with many accomplishments and success. Have a life that will always be filled with love and support.
You are an amazing son. An outstanding brother, and example. Thank you for choosing our family. We are so very blessed to have you as our son!
Many blessings and wishes of happiness throughout your life- our desire for you.
We love you!

Back to school! Music to my ears.....

School is finally back in session and it has been a glorious two weeks so far. The school district had moved both the boys to an elementary school out of our boundaries, (yet closer to our home) for the support services available there. I was pleased that they were actually concerned that the boys would not get the aides and services they needed if they went to the elementary school we are in the boundaries for.
The only problem with this, was that we had to write a letter to the superintendent to get him to approve a boundary exception for Aly. Thankfully, since the school district made the changes for the boys and while we agree with them, we did not ask for those and that alone helped Aly's exception get approved. So all three of the older kids are all going to the same school. I transport them every day, like I am used to anyway, and they have been busy making new friends.

The support staff at the school is absolutely fantastic! They actually listened to us, and for the first time in 3 years- Chan started school in his general education classroom instead of a behavior disorder room. It is amazing that we had such a hard time getting his old school to listen to us- absolutely NO problems and we're two weeks in. Shocker! Maybe we actually know what we are talking about. Autism spectrum disorders are NOT a behavior disorder! Finally- a place we can make some progress.

I have thoroughly enjoyed getting back to routine and my house has never been a happier place. Order, and a routine- this must be a record!

Noosh started preschool for the third year this year. I feel bad for the little guy. He still has two more years to go before he even starts Kindergarten. He's either going to be the smartest kindergartener or sick and tired of school before it even starts for most. He is enjoying the fact that he gets to ride a bus home, and I enjoy the fact that he can't figure out the carseat belt even more! My mornings are productive and life seems to be settling down.

The weather has changed drastically here. We're getting cold! last night was 40 degrees. A stark difference from the 90's and high humidity we've been enjoying. No more wearing shorts until October, summer clothes are going to get packed in the next couple of weeks and out come the jackets and long sleeves.

Still missing all of my Iowa friends and my family in the Northwest. **longdistancehugs**

Living with Anxiety

I am at a point in my life that I am realizing that no matter how hard I try to take care of my body, genetics starts to kick in and I no longer have a choice. I try- but I am in the losing end right now.

I have been dealing with an Anxiety disorder for the past year. It started with a racing heart that would take my breath away. That was my only symptom. I went to the Doctor and they were puzzled. Not yet giving it a name, They thought possibly a heart condition. went through some tests, blood work, an ultra sound and an EKG- all of which came back normal. Nothing else was done. My heart was "healthy", so I must be fine. A few more months would go by before I had my first panic attack. The freaking out, feeling numb, almost like I was out of my own body, racing heart, short of breath. I felt as though I was in shock.

A few more months would go by before I would seek medical attention again. This time- a Therapist. My anxiety was keeping me awake, I was afraid to close my eyes at night. and when I did, I would wake often throughout the early morning hours waiting my impending doom. I lived off of 3 to 4 hours of sleep each night for a period of about 3 months. This made me worse. Now I was exhausted, physically and mentally and depression was taking a hold of me. I had hit rock bottom.

I was diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder with Panic Attacks and mild depression.
Mild? if this was mild, I now understand how sad people must get. This was awful!

I would see my therapist once a week for 2 months. I LOVED her! she taught me how to cope with my racing thoughts and impending doom. I began exercising, eating better and eventually would be running 3 miles a day, 5 days a week. I felt amazing. No drugs to manage any symptoms (although, there were times I wished I had that easy fix). Things were looking up, and then came the move. I thought I could handle the move with ease. I was doing awesome, our family would be together again, there is no way I would become symptomatic again, I had resolved it. I was fine now.

I was wrong. Again. Now in a new state, even farther from family and the friends we had made in Iowa. I was alone. Depression came first, but in a cycle. I would be up for two weeks and then down for two weeks. I had noticed that a couple of weeks before we moved I began to sweat profusely, all the time, no matter what I did. I blamed it on the weather change into summer. Then my racing heart continued. Still not linking this to anxiety, I looked up my symptoms online. Thyroid.

Meanwhile I have been going to a new dentist here. Another year long adventure, still not resolved. Constant mouth pain, no resolution. I was referred to a TMJ and Orafacial pain clinic from my dentist. Finally, I thought I would see relief.
My first visit was amazing, he confirmed TMJ and that my jaw pops in and out (dislocation) He also diagnosed me with restless leg syndrome and believed that my symptoms of everything else, was thyroid. NOW we were talking. Finally - the big picture. I'm going to get better.

I was scheduled to come back for x-rays, physical therapy and more. Then comes the phone call. "We are sorry, but your insurance does not cover our services. How would you like to pay for the $3,000?" um, yeah right. Can I make payment arrangements? "Sure, that will be $600 a month". Okay, seriously people- If I had that, then the $3000 wouldn't be an issue. So now, I am back to where I started. Nowhere.

Still seeking help, I decided to start at square one. A general Doctor. One that could identify any underlying causes like Thyroidism. I made a list and took it with me.
I was not impressed with the office. Walking in, I was told to wait. Then when they did decide to help me, they were rushed and then pushed me onto someone else. There was clearly some unorganization here. I debated on walking out. But I didn't, because I was desperate. The nurse who took my vitals was even rushed and barely remembered to ask me for my reason to see the doc. I was feeling like this was a waste of my time. Then entered the Doctor. Casual day, I guess. Jeans and a polo. First impression means a lot to me- but then again, you can't read a book by its cover. He spent the next 45 minutes with me while I read off my list of complaints. He stopped, and then said "do you realize that there is something with every system in your body?" um, yep- I'm a mess. He decided to start with blood work first. Lets rule out diabetes, thyroidism, etc. this will help us to know where to begin. Meanwhile, he put me on a medication to control my anxiety and mild depression. I have gained 20 pounds in the last 3 months and I am watching what I eat and doing yoga and Pilates. I felt as though for every right thing I did, I had one BIG thing fighting against me. My body!
The next day, I was having what I believe to be an allergic reaction to the anxiety medication. Tightness in my chest, shortness of breath, light headedness, difficulty concentrating. I told the oldest kids to watch me. If I fainted, or became to disoriented, they needed to call an ambulance. This changed the atmosphere in our house. It went from fighting, and being loud to somber and watching me. I called my doctors office and was told he would call me back. Hours went by. I began to feel better. and a little pissed off. Nice to know they couldn't care less.

Meanwhile, Alyssa decided to get hurt at a friends house. She fell down in their play room cutting her leg open. A little trip to the Emergency Room and 4 stitches later- we survived.
My doctor did end up calling, but with my blood results. Boy was I gonna let him have it about the mornings events. Then I forgot all about it, when he said I was perfectly healthy. I couldn't muster the words to respond. What? Healthy? Then explain my symptoms? I do NOT feel healthy- so there must be something! yep. There is. These can all also, be symptoms of my anxiety disorder. Holy cow! I really need help for this monster now. He did then address my concern over the medication. For starters it doesn't typically start to work for 2 to 4 weeks, so I won't see any improvements overnight. Second, he would like for me to keep taking it, despite my inability to breathe and tightness in my chest symptoms. This bothers me, but I'm desperate.

So, I am now left with a giant rock on one side and a barbed wire fence on the other. I can either climb the rock and endure the fight, or I can get caught up and possibly never get over the top on the other. I am changing the time of day of the medicine, to just before bed. So I can handle any discomfort while Cory is home to help and then hopefully I can sleep it off, while my body adjusts.

The second thing I am going to do- is see a chiropractor. My friends in Iowa will be pleased. I have found one here, that is a Palmer graduate. I am going to have them address everything- my TMJ, my popping knees, my popping hips, my RLS and even my anxiety. I feel as though I am left with no other options and beginning to think I should have listened to them from the beginning and gone earlier. I do have a skeptic on my side though. Cory thinks it's hokey, but he just wants me to feel better, so we'll see. So, until I begin to see any results I am just putting my faith in Christ and the power of the priesthood. I will get better, I just don't know when that will be. I will not let Anxiety get the best of me.

Dating my Husband

After ten years of marriage, you come to a point that you realize your married life is NOTHING like it was before kids, and it most certainly does not mirror a dating life.
Day in, day out, you live. You live for work, for kids, for paying bills, going to doctor appointments, going to church, eating, sleeping and doing it all over again. There is very little room for me time, let alone time for either of us to spend one on one quality time with each child separately. So what's left?

For Ten years, everything, and I mean EVERYTHING else, came first.

Lucky for us, we are a good fit. We are truly best friends. When life would throw us lemons, we made lemonade.

When we hit the the 10 year mark, we realized that while, we are good, we should probably learn to make time for us. If we didn't do this now, we might find ourselves displaced when our home was empty and the only thing left was he and I.

We implemented date night. Friday or Saturday night, every couple of weeks, we have hired a babysitter and gone out to spend kid free time together. We LOVE it!! We have never had so many opportunities to date. We have been out before in our ten years. But often times we took at least a baby with us. This is truly the first time, consecutive that we can get away for about 3 hours and just enjoy each others company. So this is what it feels like.....

Last month for the first time ever, I tasted Cheesecake Factory. I could talk a whole paragraph about that place. But the fact that Milwaukee has one, is pleasure enough.

This weekend we are planning on going to the Fair, Cory and I plan on going Friday. By O U R S E L V E S, then Saturday we will go as a family. While it may still be the same fair, they will be TWO totally different experiences.

Dating your spouse is the best thing ever. I know how hard it is to find the time to do this, but I highly recommend you do anything you can to make it happen.

Pictures

Sensory Challenge

Since my life revolves around our kids, I saw that this was fit to share. A chance to win something that is not only beneficial for almost anyone, but sensible for the sensory challenged.
Sensory is a HUGE part of our daily life. The majority of us can deal with the little things that bother us. Me, it's corduroy, velvet, the sound of someone chewing ANYTHING in my ear, and I have a weird thing where If one hand gets wet (say, by helping a little one wash their hands) then I have to get them both wet before I can dry them.
3 of my 4 kids have issues with their socks- which is where I discovered seamless socks. A little pricey for just one pair, but you cannot put a price on one's sanity during your morning routine. Seriously.

So stop reading this and go enter, there is something in the big prize that anyone can enjoy, sensory challenged or not. SmartKnitKIDS

What are your sensory challenges?

Light at the end of a very long tunnel

For the past year I have been experiencing some excruciating pain in my mouth. Going to the dentist weekly, sometimes more than once a week with constant pain. I feel as though it would be okay to call it my second home. Every time being told, they could not find a reason, but maybe it was my sinuses, and to just take some Ibuprofen and see if that helps. Over time, I have adjusted to the pain, the constant radiating surges of dull pain and the occasional shooting zaps in my mouth have just become something I live with. I take 800 mg of Ibuprofen 3 to 4 times a day, just so I can get up each day and be a mom. Not the best mom either. Again, just enough to get me by.

It's been tough, and frustrating. No answers. No direction. Feeling as though I was probably going to have to live the rest of my life in constant pain. I would sit in public places and watch other people go about their life, smiling, laughing and enjoying a nice talk with someone, all the while I stare, envious of what they can do and wanting what they had. Knowing that I may never experience it again, and that they go on unaware that they have something so simple that others want. A pain free mouth.

Today, marks the beginning of the end. I was referred to a TMJ and Orafacial pain clinic from my new dentist. After a thorough 2 hour consultation, I began to feel as though I am in the right place. Answers are starting to come. Things are making sense. I never in a million years imagined TMJ to be so painful, but alas, that is not everything.
I have been living at least the last 6 to 8 months with a dislocated jaw. Now things are starting to make sense. No wonder I don't smile, no wonder I rarely laugh. It hurts and I have fallen into a world of glum because I hurt. The doctor also noticed my neck is goiter. Which is a common symptom of a thyroid that is not functioning properly. That along with other "non-functioning thyroid symptoms" that I have been having, will now be addressed. I have been prescribed a night guard for the clinching that I do at night, a Physical therapist to help me loosen the muscles in my face and neck and a peace of mind.
I was also diagnosed with Restless leg syndrome, which is apparently common and often times one of the reasons jaw clinching, anxiety, and mouth pain start. Not sleeping well, leads to issues with your jaw. I never would have guessed. Last night was my first night of discovery to see if I sleep better and if my jaw hurts less in the morning. So far, there is an improvement, I feel more rested and while my mouth hurts, I did not wake up clenching my teeth.

I go back next week for a CT scan, my first physical Therapy appointment and to be fitted for the night guard. But until then, I watch the clock to see when I am able to take more Ibuprofen for the pain. Yesterday was very trying during the exam and nothing seems to take the edge off. My mouth in a constant throb, I am hopeful that I will get to smile, pain free again.

For some time, I have been fairly hard on myself. I have had the up most desire to enjoy summer with the kids, to spend more quality time with them, but each morning I would wake and when the pain surged through me, my irritability kicks in, the headache in my head would start to pound, my neck would be stiff and my ability to tolerate even the slightest request put my day in the tanker. Slowly depression kicks in, because I don't feel up to par as a mom and when the kids were cranky, they would confirm it.

The other day, a friend of Chandler's made a funny sarcastic comment. I laughed in passing. The kids noticed. They all ran off into the kitchen whispering how they just "saw your mom smile". Spencer ran in to the room and asked to see me smile again. I did. He then proceeded to tell me in his innocent 3 year old knowledgeable way, how he enjoyed my smile and that it makes him happy.

My heart sank into my stomach. How did my life get to this point where something as simple as a smile, was a rare occasion?

My 3 year old summed it all up for me. I was a cranky momma and it was rubbing off, so much that even their friends noticed. I am devastated that I am perceived this way. I love my children so much, it hurts more than my mouth at times.
This has consumed me. It has taken away precious time of fun, laughter and smiles.
I feel robbed, by something that should have been diagnosed long ago, by other dentists.

This has taken a year from me. A year I can't get back. But today, I was given a day that begins with a light at the end of the tunnel. And now, I look forward to many more tomorrows. Tomorrows, that will start with a smile.